Reality Check: Polium Recovery (a throwback post)


Circa 2004-2006: Reality Checks. / Poliums.

Err I shall begin normally, with a bit of backstory… Circa 2004-2006, I wrote as Reality on a website called AphroditetheFallenAngel[1] specifically authoring a section called Reality Check’s which I may never again be able to replicate the creative writing style of… (Unless Aphrodite is kind enough to send me some of the old work to look over again…) That being said, don’t be dissapointed if you are familiar with the Reality Check’s and find this post (further in) lacking.

One of these bits of quirky adventurous writing was sometime in the spring, and the subject was Poliums[2].

Note: This is a work of fiction loosely based on actual events.


Reality Check: Polium Recovery


[Your regularly schedualed programming has been interupted to bring you this breaking news-]

Shhhhhhh! Don’t tell anyone. (But its great news!) Seriously, don’t. (We have to!) No!

[Attention, Attention: Polium Extermination is underway-]

Awww shit, who went and told them!! (That would be the camera guy outside earlier?) Noooo! (YES!)

But I liked the poliums! (Since when?) Since… since…. now? (Uh-huh, right…) seriously! (Did you wake up with two heads this morning?) Maybe? (Ugh.) But they are CUTE!!! (If I could I’d smack you right now!) No way! (yes, way.)

But, there is nothing wrong with poliums! I mean they are cute, I mean yeah sure they like the snow, and salty pavement in winter, and they leave us pot holes the size of trucks that ruin our cars… But how rude is it to just fill them in every spring. The Poliums deserve life just the same as we do. (Do not.) Do too! (Do not.) Are you saying poliums aren’t cute? (Yes. And your an Idiot.) AM NOT! (shut up.) No! (yes.)

[-Polium extermination has already begun all across Central-New York state and Beyond, the infestation this year was by reports one of the worst ever. There are reports of monster-truck sized pot-holes where the Polium’s have gotten too big to contain.-]

Your just jealous. (Of Poliums? You have got to be kidding me. Why would I be jealous of things that RUIN OUR CAR?) Because your an ass that’s why. (Geeeee, whizzz when did you figure that one out oh-wise-one?) Just now. (Good, get on with this then… Tell them.)

Fine. The cowboy truck (what?) The Cowboy truck, the one with the wierd little character on it that is supposed to be some cartoonized cowboy with a lasoo? (oh that.) Uh-Huh that. So, the cowboy truck. (Don’t forget to mention what the text on the truck said) Oh would you just shut up already! (not until you tell them) Fine. God. It said “The Pothole Exterminator” On it. (It should have said POLIUM Exterminator on it.) Whatever. They were just trying to be politically correct.  (…..) So, It was outside my house today.

[-One Citizen in utica quotes “The poliums ripped out my driveway! Who is going to replace it! WHO!” The infestations which began several years ago, has caused massive headaches in many cities and rural towns. “Each year it gets worse, and the budget is getting tighter not bigger! We Need these poliums sealed, their den’s destroyed and our roads restored immediatly!”-]

I was driving home in my creaky van (Yeah creaky thanks to those poliums you deem cute.) I’m ignoring you now… lalalalalala. (Fine, try and ignore me, see if that works out for you.) It will. I swear. So I saw all these polium-dens filled in with gravel. I thought OH NO!!! They are going to be filled in soon around my house! I must save them! (Absolutly N——-) Like I said, Ignoring you. So I made this plan right? Get home, and devise a plan to save the Poliums. I Called it “THE POLIUM RECOVERY PLAN” because you know we can’t just go around killing things even if they are bad for our roads (Says——–) Ignoring you….

(You can’t shut me up, I win in the end. Period. So this idiot over here saw the truck, and the news crew outside her house and totally flipped. I mean who knew she could be so unrealistic? She went on-and-on about  those “pooor cute poliums” for hours. Someone really needed to duct-tape her mouth shut or something.)

Did not! (Ignoring you…) You can’t. (I think its great, block by block those stupid suckers get sealed up in their dens. If only someone would get smart and STOP putting salt on the roads in the winter then they’d all just DIE.) Ummm…. (what?) You can’t stop putting salt on the roads, do you want to KILL ME? (Thats debatable.) If you didn’t put salt on the roads in winter our car’s would just slide around and crash into each other. (So, ruining your car’s with a slow painful death via potholes is better?) OF course!

[-Sadly, Many towns and Cities do not have the budget to properly deal with Polium Removal and extermination. “When Poliums are only sealed up, it leaves cracks through which they might escape when they come out of hibernation again next year, but we are doing our best.” With budget cuts all around it’s no suprise that that the quick patches are being seen more and more often. “What we need is a full extensive recovery, but we just don’t have the budget for it.” Sad, but true. For the poliums supporters at least, this might be good news.-]

(Sure, so you can keep up the drive right, left, right, stay right, now left… You have it timed to a science to avoid the pot-holes even if it means going into the wrong lane) Yeah, I’m trying to save the poliums! (You… are impossible. Fine, you go save your poliums, while I wish, vainly, for them to RIP out the roads around our house, and preform TOTAL ANNHIALATION, then give us new roads in the place of the infested ones.) NO! (mwahahahaha) your so mean. (I know, thank you.) ugh…

[-We now return you  to your regularly scheduled Programming…-]

Ooops, we missed the news! (wasn’t that the attention: polium extermination bit?) But we talked for so long there must be more! (No, actually there wasn’t) Oh… In that case.


[1] AphroditetheFallenAngel.com The site’s owner, is our very own Orange-Elephant.Army Minion Fallen Aphrodite The website was shut down circa 2006.

[2] Poliums: (pol-i-ums); bioengineered creatures (origin unknown though speculation varies wildly about romantic intentions), eats salty roads during winter, results in pot-holes, hibernates during spring/summer/fall.

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One thought on “Reality Check: Polium Recovery (a throwback post)

  1. ZOMG! Poliums.! I LOVE YOU GUYS

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