unapologetically alive

It’s been two months since I have posted anything here … I swear I have good reason. Actually the main reason is curled up on the couch with me sound asleep, but I shall get to that.

December brought the release of Draculatron HYPNOGAGA, I will be posting my thoughts here on the album soon. Of course this meant shows, the first of which was a mind blowing acoustic set with songs from the new album completely stripped down. The following week McKenzie and I performed at the Indie Garage Sale with J. Schnitt and Brian Premo. Yet again another IGS performance ended with me having a broken blood vessel in my left ring finger. We will be returning for a performance at the spring IGS, so lets see if I can do it a third time. The following week Draculatron took the stage at the Electric Company. I adore watching them at this venue, however due to the situation I found myself in that night I could not fully enjoy their performance.

12.03.09 Draculatron acoustic performance

12.12.09 McKenzie & myself

12.12.09 Brian Premo

12.19.09 Draculatron

12.19.09 Draculatron

Moving on,… I do not often speak of dating or girls for that matter, but alas I believe it is time. I met several women through 2009, only one of which I was truly taken with … and of course she had a girlfriend so I bit my tongue and said nothing. However this time around I decided not to settle like I often tend to. Now most people always hope their ex will come back and it will be happy ever after, right? Well she had come back twice over our relationship of over four years,.. it was the beginning of December and she came back. It felt like it should have worked again in the beginning. I spoke of ways I had changed and things I would not give up. I spoke of things I would no longer tolerate and that I was not going to just drop everything and jump back into a relationship with her. Not even two weeks had passed and the girl I was quite taken with over the summer had found me on myspace. She was single, but honestly I thought she would only want to be friends with me … so I had no plans of making mention of the fact I liked her. AzureCrush invited her to our lesbian Christmas party and she accepted, cue my nerves. My ex also was invited to the party, so I walked in with no attachment to anyone,… as I felt was right. A friend asked for a tarot card reading and Kayla asked if she could sit in on it,… naturally I said yes. During the reading I leaned over into Kayla slightly … it led to the sweetest and most innocent first kiss I have ever had with anyone. This was the night Draculatron was playing at the Electric Company. I sadly left the party and headed to the bar, my ex raging pissed. During the middle of their set she had me go outside with her and screamed at me about the fact I kissed someone else, it was like a flashback of our relationship … one thing she didn’t like and she made me feel two inches tall. The following day I took to myself, just to think.

I spent time over the next few days with both my ex and Kayla. When I was with Kayla I didn’t want to be anywhere else. When I was with my ex I could only think about Kayla. Then my ex wanted to see me and I was not in the mood to see her,… she insisted so I gave in. However I ended up letting out all the reasons I knew I could never be with her again… every ounce of hurt and anger … every single betrayal and lie that I would never forgive her for. As I verbalized all the words, that was the moment I knew that it would never be again.

Now I could continue to safe guard myself or take a risk,.. a huge risk. I never put my walls up and just let her walk right in,.. and it felt and feels absolutely right. It is quite different, we are not officially together yet I have no desire to be with anyone else. A friend told me that someone had expressed concern about her being with me since I am viewed as a “player”. My friend simply told the person that when I am with her it is obvious I have eyes for no one else, and when I am not with her that when I talk about her I simply light up. She is unapologetically herself which I adore. She pushes me out of my comfort zone … which I have needed for a long time.

So the one thing I wished for the entire year of 2009 was just to meet a girl that would not have me compromise who I was … someone who would take their time and not jump right in … someone who would just see me …

I am simply embracing 2010.

01.17.10 Kayla & myself


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